Moved!

It's not actually what I've been planning, but as I'm at least doing some work over there, I figured I ought to point you all in the direction of my latest web output. Without further ado:

http://lovesuddenly.wordpress.com

Changes Coming

Knowing it's entirely possible my last post drove off most of my readers, combined with the fact that I haven't posted in ages, there may be no one left to read this post. To those who have valiantly (and forgivingly) stuck it out, know that I'm contemplating a return to the blogosphere, but probably not here. I'm in the process of researching blogging platforms and contemplating what I want to bring to the world, and what the world can bring to me. Basically this is just a notification to keep your eye out for something new from me. I'll let you all know when I'm set up. Assuming this turns out the way my vague maybes indicate they might, things will be exciting.

An Explanation

I know there's probably one or two people who have missed my posting, and have been wondering where I've gone. I'm still here, I've just realized I've got nothing to say. I started blogging back on LiveJournal in high school, because I knew others who did. The I introduced blogs to some friends, and they started their own. Individually they were more or (very) less kept up to date, and we'd started a trend. I liked to think I'd started a trend. We grew up, and grew bigger than LJ, so several of us migrated to blogger, taught ourselves some coding, and made the internet, and our little corner of the blog-o-sphere our own.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that, like the blogs themselves, my reasons for blogging have migrated over the years. I've had hopes and dreams of eventually creating a following, and having random people I'd never met keep tabs on my life for whatever reason. Mostly though, it's been a place to keep in touch with friends, especially a few I don't see often. And because those friends were blogging, and I like to be 'in'.
Of course, as life goes on, we all make choices, and we have to live with the consequences of those choices. The summer of my 21st birthday, I chose to get married. It was done quickly, with little fanfare, but with the people that mattered to me the most around me. At that point, the people who mattered to me the most hadn't met before, so I set about remedying that problem. Introductions were made, hangouts were had, and new friendships were forged. Life was good.
Over time I realized that the choices I'd made in a very short period of time were not the ones I wanted to live with for the rest of my life. So I made the choice to change things. I left. I called it off. Maybe I ran away from something I thought was too hard. I don't know any more. Looking back on things from down the road a ways, it's easy to remember all the good things, and gloss over the bad. The only thing I know is all I wanted was the best for everyone. I wanted to be free to explore the life I'd really only just begun. I wanted him to be free to find someone who would walk next to him with the same commitment as he'd made. And I wanted to make sure my choices wouldn't lose him the friends so recently made. He didn't really have anyone else, and I knew what it was like to be alone. So I asked that they keep an eye on him, continue welcoming him into their homes, and their lives, as they'd done for me in so many times of loneliness. These people had welcomed me as family, and then they'd offered that same welcome to him. I didn't want him to lose that welcome.
I never imagined that that desire would in turn mean that I would lose the welcome I wanted him to receive. But I have been taught of late to look at things realistically. While they had welcomed me, I did not share the belief system this family held dear. My choices violated those beliefs. My choices created a victim, and it is often natural to side with the underdog. At first I thought it was just the new distance. I was reassured over and over, by someone without my familiarity, that I was seeing things that didn't exist. That time would set everything to rights, and that all would be as I remembered. Well, it takes one to know one, as they say, and I had been welcomed as one of their own.
The holidays have come upon us, and when the first came up with express unwelcome, I imagined we would simply rotate. Like trading shifts at work, he'd get Halloween and New Years, while I could take Thanksgiving and Christmas. So I settled in, somewhat bitter, for a night of handing out candy, and waiting for November to blow on by. And now December is half past, and reality has forced itself upon my delusions. Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, Christmas... I am alone and unwelcome. Traditions have carried on without me.
I find myself without friends, without my adopted family, without my blood family, dating a man whom I love, but who has settled himself into a rather solitary lifestyle. Honestly, who do I have left? The New Yorker: while we have reopened communications, he is after all, in New York. The Grunt is now in the Air Force. Anyone else that would make the list as friend is spoken to no more than once a month, and seen even less. My own blood family has never been close. My sister is busy being successful, my brother is still in high school, and my parents have decided that they believe certain things about my choices, and have chosen to not support me. And now my adopted family has chosen the same. Consciously or otherwise, I'm out.
I'm not looking for protestations otherwise, actions speak for themselves. I'm simply explaining why I haven't written in some time, and why it's likely I won't be writing again soon. I stopped writing for myself a long time ago, and now that the people I continued writing for have moved on, I see no reason to continue. It's not that I want friendships to disappear, I just have to accept that the level of the friendship I'd come to rely upon is gone.
I will mourn it's passing for a long time. I wish I could just let it go, but it's like finding out your family is dead. These people were my family, and I thought the believed as I did, that family is forever, no matter what. But in the end, I wasn't really family. I wasn't blood. Those who warned me were right in the end. I want you all to know that I love you all dearly, and that I will miss you all very very much. Thank you for the time we have had together, and I wish you all the very best as you continue in your lives, and your families, blood and chosen.

Monday, November 19th, 2007

As you have all realized by now, I have fallen off the NaBloPoMo bandwagon. I am still here however, and I've found a site I'd like to share with you all. As you may or may not know, at the October 2007 session of the LDS conference, a woman named Julie Beck gave a talk entitled "Mothers Who Know." While not entirely controversial by an LDS perspective, it has still generated a great deal of dialog both in the blog-o-sphere and offline. From what I have read, the reactions have run the gamut from utter outrage to joyous praise. I've read the talk, and while I can see its merit for LDS mothers in certain situations, I don't believe that it does a good job of addressing the wide range of LDS women. Women in other cultures, those who are single, or unable to have children, those who by necessity must work outside the home, etc. can easily feel marginalized by her talk. A group of LDS women have gotten together and published a statement sharing what they feel is a counter to Julie Beck's talk, addressing the more universal nature of womanhood. They have asked for signatures at the bottom in support of their statement, and I have added my name. While I am not LDS, I feel that the statements they've shared are worthwhile and uplifting. I encourage you all, men, women, fathers, mothers, etc. to similarly show your support if you agree with the things these women have to say. Without further ado: Women Who Know.

Day Fourteen

Blah, blarg and all things lack of anything interesting to post. But post every day I have, and continue on I shall.

Day Thirteen Part 2

So I signed all my papers and such for Game Stop and I'll start working next week. I'm a little miffed I couldn't start right away (yes I'm that bored) but everything in due time I suppose. Fortunately, I think I'm really going to have a lot of fun at this job. Everyone seems to have a good sense of humor. Including one fellow who today demonstrated his ability to quote Beevis and Butthead in a Mickey Mouse voice. I almost wet my pants. Even if you don't think B&B are funny, this is freaking hilarious.
One of the oddities of being me: For some reason, I find it easier to be productive during the day if I have something I have to work around. If my time is completely open to me I don't get anything done, but if I've got somewhere to go, I have a set amount of time to accomplish things and then they get done. The nice thing is, at the moment, my list of "things to get done" mostly includes relaxing tasks like reading the books I grabbed from the library and watching some more Babylon 5.

Day Thirteen

Something I thought you'd all like to see.

Day Twelve Part 2

For your viewing convenience, and hopefully your pleasure, I've discovered you can watch whole episodes of Big Bang Theory on CBS's website. Mouse over "Full Episodes" at the top of the page and click on the show. I'm not sure if watching it online will motivate them to keep the show, but as I don't have a tv (with no regrets whatsoever) it's the only way I can support them. If I can get you all to support them as well all the better.

Day Twelve

Had dinner with my parents last night. Pork chops. Pretty good. I'm entirely uninspired at the moment, thus the proliferation of two word sentences. I actually should be getting in the shower so I can head to the Gateway and accept my new job. For pittance. In other news, I've been doing a lot of reading, and can at this point with fair certainty say: I am an atheist/freethinker/non-theist/whatever they're calling themselves this week. :o)

Day Eleven

So I was out all day yesterday with friends. It was a lot of fun, and brought back a lot of memories. I got a letter from the Scout Office declining my employment. The funny thing is, I had to wait four or five days for both this job and the law place to send me a letter to tell me what I already knew. As soon as I walked out of both interviews I knew I didn't have the job. I let myself hope; I can always be wrong. So I'll go in and fill out paperwork for Game Stop. It'll be fun. I've been told some of the other employees are looking forward to me working there. It'll pay jack diddly, but it'll be fun, and something to do.